"I can’t be expected to tolerate people close to me, if it means risking the fate of the world. I’m not that selfish."
Meghan Markle
They put me in a cottage
When playing Meghan, I concentrate on facial expressions and upward inflections at the end of many sentences, as though she speaks in questions, right? Her eyes position is key; drawing you in as her speech bombards you with an obscure collection of words that few can understand literally, but that most can understand the essence of. Make-up is applied, a necklace, bracelet and fake diamond ring that she conspicuously waves in front of her face as he speaks.
Harry Meghan Markle Windsor
Warm ribena in a latte mug please
When playing Harry I, I.... I don’t really know what I do? I just cross my eyes, squint a little, speak in a deep, dull voice, call everything amazing and defend “my Meghan” at all costs!
"Before Meghan I was with my family and I spent too much time being happy to properly concentrate on my mental health "
"a soul so sensitive you can see problems at that aren’t even there, and the riff-raff at the palace give you backchat "
Dr Cobalt Jackson
I’m as Communist as they come... couldn’t get any work otherwise
Born Cobalt Jackson in 1963. His mother called him Cobalt because from the moment he was born, he had a magnetic personality. He is an inventor, engineer, part-time interviewer and proclaimed Communist (to get work). He is currently working on a self-evaluation, operational drone, which he calls a SEOD. He puts his youthful appearance for his advancing years down to barbecue food.
Arthur Covington Smythe
I have an allergy that flares up when I touch politicians
Born Arthur Covington-Smythe in 1962, he graduated with a degree in Law in 1983, and worked as a Barrister to fund his multiple language and translation courses. He now works as a Judge and a freelance translator. Arthur can translate almost any language, although he specialises in translating sanctimony into honest english and rhetorical obfuscation into clear english. In his spare time, Arthur enjoys scrabble, crosswords and avoiding politicians as though they are a virus.
"The wretchedness you’ve all endured is the perfect soil for global institutions to flourish."
"You’ve got a keen wit and interesting turn of phrase, which saves me from judging you purely on your abysmal record as Prime Minister, rendering our conversations a welcome relief from mundane, dreary dialogue."
Barman Keys
Trickery often presents itself as flattery and beguilement
Born Barman Keys in 1988, he ironically took a position as a Barman at the Old Ferry Hotel aged 18, and has worked there since. He’s known for his world-weary, philosophical opinions and water-tight adherence to his principles. He has never been able to express his views formally due to a severe lack of discipline and application, about which he is equally philosophical, preferring instead to watch and comment on the world in real-time as a host of interesting and influential people pass by his bar.
Boris Johnson
if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist… I mean, can you actually see marriage vows?
When playing Boris, I tend to follow the script more loosely than with other characters, which helps create an authentic bumbling and the confused, staccato delivery that is his trademark. My Boris differs from the real Boris in speech tone and eye expression. I speak in a higher voice than Boris actually does, cultivating a more sympathetic and charming demeanour; and I open my eyes far wider than the he does, in an attempt to appear sincere and draw people into his pseudo-Communist mantra.
"If we’re being perfectly honest, the Libertarian within me is currently in a prison shower dominated by Authoritarians and has just offered to pick up the soap."
"The essence of government evolves via the confluence of political oratory and academic thought on how unhappy people can instruct happier people on how to conduct their lives."
The Godfather
You lived like a fool and you have come to a fool’s end
When playing the godfather, I stuff kitchen-roll down into the inside of my cheeks to emulate the great Marlon Brando. I talk using mainly my bottom lip and I let the sound growl from my diaphragm.
